I know I said I was going to take the week off, but I’m having a really hard time right now and writing has always helped me process. I’ve written and erased this post about six times since Saturday night, wondering if I should say it/post it/erase it. I still don’t know if I’m making the right decision. All I know is that I’m dehydrated because of all of the crying, and I can’t sleep without sleeping pills because my brain won’t let me move on. So here it is:
As a writer, when is it time to say, “No more. I’m done”?
I entered a writing contest last year and didn’t do very well. Looking on the bright side, I highlighted the areas where I received the lowest scores and spent the year studying how to improve them. I took two months off last summer when I stopped writing. I spent roughly $1200 attending conferences, and bought at least six craft books and countless novels so I could continue to study and learn.
I re-entered the same manuscript in the same contest this year – I did worse.
Last year the judges told me my characters were one-dimensional. This year they told me the characters were too contradictory, that they could be kind or kidders, but not both. Last year my dialogue was natural, believable – I didn’t alter it much (though I did apply some techniques that I learned). This year my hero was ripped to shreds if he said more than two six-word sentences in a row.
The list goes on, but the point is this – I am apparently a worse writer today than I was a year ago.
Please know that this is NOT a rant against the judges. They are all doing their best jobs – I know that. I have no desire to criticize them. This is about my writing and whether or not I should be doing it.
I’m beginning to think that I don’t have the strength for this. I certainly don’t have the understanding for it. That’s why I like math – 2+2=4, it always has and it always will. But with writing … well, I don’t know of any sport in which an athlete practices for a year and then ends up a worse player than when she started. That is, however, possible in writing.
I just don’t know if I can keep doing this. When I found out the ACFW conference is in Indianapolis this year, I was thrilled, but now I don’t know if I want to spend that kind of money if I’m not improving. How do I justify to my husband that in two years I spent thousands of dollars to end up worse than I started?
And even if I do continue, what I do about this manuscript? In two years I’ve revised the first few chapters numerous times for contests. If after two years they’re worse than when I started, then what chance does the rest of the manuscript have?
I don’t even know what to do. Usually I read when I’m upset, but craft books just point out how much I don’t understand, and novels are depressing because they are full of the same type of writing for which I’ve been criticized. I want to write, but I can’t. Every time I think about opening my manuscript I realize how awful it is, and I don’t have the heart to finish writing something that’s obviously not good. And when I try to write essays or devotionals, well … this post is an example of what keeps happening.
So I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know if I can handle this anymore. I just don’t know.
Karin, I know how this must feel for you, but I wanted to share my story with you. When I first started to seriously pursue writing (about 3 years ago) … well, let's just say I was horrible. I sent my first ten pages to someone who has now become a great friend of mine. In my email I told her to hack it up. I only wanted to hear what I was doing wrong, because I wanted to improve and knew I was only at the beginning.
She hacked it up.
She gave me a huge list of things I did wrong and topped it off with a little sugar: You have potential.
So, I took her comments and applied them to my MS. Then, I sent it to someone else who hacked it up.
And someone else.
Then, after lots and lots of learning and reading and re-writing, I finished a novel and wanted to enter the Genesis. I sent it to two amazing writers and asked them to tell me everything I did wrong. After months of learning and growing and re-writing … you would've thought I wouldn't have had so much red.
They hacked it up. One told me that she wanted to slap my POV about fifteen times.
I laughed and re-wrote.
That MS was a finalist in the Genesis, caught the eye of 5 agents, and now has made its way all the way back to my heart … we've decided to self-pub.
Remember, it's a journey. All that red is a good thing. The day I send my MS to a critique partner and don't see a single dot of red I will feel like a failure. Because great writers never stop growing. I don't want to stop. I always want to improve.
You'll get there. You may not be "worse" than last year. Maybe you just had judges who were a little different. Keep working.
Remember, we write because we love to, because we can't NOT write. Publication will come (maybe), but that should never be our aim. We should simply write because we love the art of words. Whatever else comes from that is God's plan for our lives.
Keep going. Imagine if Jesus gave up. If Peter gave up. If Abraham gave up. If Hosea gave up.
There will always be hills to climb, but they make the views so much prettier. 🙂
So you know Mitch takes his HS marching band to about 3-4 different comps every Fall. Every single comp is based on the EXACT SAME score sheet. One weekend they'll score a 75. The next week, with the exact same show that the spent a week improving, and based on the exact same score sheet, they'll score a 60. It is beyond frustrating. But judges judge differently. There are certain standards, certain ways of doing things, but it is still so very subjective.
Yet each judge has something to offer — something to learn from. I'm positive that you could win a competition one year, re-submit the same piece the next year and take last place. 🙂
Karin, I can just hear the frustration and sadness in your post and your email to the loop. I agree with what the others have said–it might be that the judges just found different things. It might not be that you did worse, but that the judges you had this time were better–more knowledgeable, even.
I don't have any magical advice except what I hear over and over from other writers–put it away, have your cry, then look at it later with fresh eyes and a washed-clean heart.
I'm so sorry this is so rough, but know that I'm praying for you today.
Karin, could you set aside this manuscript and start a new one? Lots of people have done that to go on to publish their 2nd or 3rd or 10th manuscript. Ask Randy Ingermanson or any number of now published authors.
I was thinking of Shirley Jump–do you know her? She's a New York Times Bestseller author who lives in Indiana. IDK if she entered contests but she kept sending manuscripts to Harlequin romantic suspense. The last one she got back the editor was pretty blunt and told her she was terrible. She got another envelope back and instead of opening it for more pain, she threw it into the trash! Her husband fished it out. Seems that she had sent in ONE manuscript, a romantic comedy, to another line and it was accepted! She wouldn't even have known if not for her husband.
I boo-hooed something awful when she told that story at a small conference. It resonated with EVERY author of all stages in that room!
Don't give up. Hold on to your ripped and wept over manuscript. Put it aside. Get some excitement with your writing buddies and start a new one. Keep learning.
You wouldn't be a true writer if it didn't mean so much to you. (((Big Hug)))
Keep your chin up … and know that there is a whole community here to support you!
As an aside, I think your sense of personal responsibility (in not taking the easy way out and blaming the judges) is noble. And I think that sort of honesty often makes for a good writer. I hope you'll stick with it.