Even though I’ve been a Christian for years, God’s ways still amaze me. In some ways I feel like I should be beyond this – I KNOW that His ways are not my ways, and I shouldn’t be so surprised when He works in unexpected ways. But there’s another part of me that tingles when He speaks to me in a new way – it’s ALWAYS an adventure!
Here’s the latest revelation:
As you might imagine, I’ve been talking with God a LOT recently about my writing. The big question that I wanted to clarify: am I even supposed to be doing this.
Okay, so why does it feel so, so…icky?
Because I’m using it to refine you.
Refining – rarely fun, hardly painless.
Without going into a lot of detail let me tell you the two biggest struggles in my life. Regarding these areas I am continually at the feet of the Lord confessing, repenting, receiving healing and deliverance, and walking away in a little more freedom. But I still struggle. What are these areas?
The two most dominant motivating factors of my flesh…the things with which I’ve battled for years. In the last few months (year?) I’ve been making a lot of progress. In fact, I started to wonder if these issues were behind me. Perhaps I’ve conquered these foes!
And then my Genesis scores came back, and God took His loving finger and pressed on my heart:
See that, there? (poke) You still worry about rejection of man. And over here? (prod) This spot that wants you to believe the judges were angry and high when they read your entry? It’s just pride.
I’m so thankful to recognize this. I’ve been telling God how much I REALLY want Him to search my heart and find any wickedness in me…I really do want Him to purify my heart. It just never occurred to me that He would take something like my writing and use it to minister to me (but what a great way to get my attention!).
And so I’m still writing (actually I’m reading right now, but it’s to help with my writing), because I know that I’m supposed to. I still believe that I’m supposed to follow this path to publication (and I’d really like to!). But even if I don’t, or if it takes longer than I think it should, I know that it’s not a waste of my time. God is using this for His glory. He’s using my ups and downs to reveal Himself to me. If it happens that the only reason I’m writing is so He can show me things like this, then it will be worth it.
I can’t explain the joy I feel in knowing that God’s letting me do something that I love and ministering to me through it. I’m now speechless.